Your future depends on how willing you are to do some personal growth and to figure out who you want to be (without your ex holding up that old mirror of judgment and support). Fantasies are the hope and trust we use to pull us out of bad situations or pull us out of pain. They’re hugely important with divorce! We hope the future will be better; we trust that we’re making the right decision. But in truth, the story hasn’t been lived; the story isn’t finished yet. We have to live into the future to determine if it’s better than where we are in the present, got it?
One of the big pitfalls of divorcing is that we want guarantees. In this case, the hope or the guarantee that the future will be as good as you’re fantasizing about it. (News flash: There are no guarantees in life! Never. No matter how often we beg or pray or plead.) Life happens. Sometimes because of our actions; sometimes because of our inactions.
Our culture wants a quick fix and an easy answer. I’m here to tell you: if you want your future to be as good as you fantasize about it, you’re responsible for making it happen. We’re lucky, we get another chance when we go through a divorce. But it becomes our business to make it happen for ourselves.
My question: Are you willing to do the work?
That looks like finding teachers and mentors. It means reading books written by people who’ve been through what you’re going through. It looks like joining a support group or going to therapy, finding a Divorce Coach, or an “abandonment group.” It means taking a long, hard look in the mirror and accepting your part in the break-up; to heal the pain; forgive every drop of shame; get on a health kick; feel your feelings, and get rid of any and all addictions which are shoving feelings down.
Create the courage to move on with your life, even when it’s difficult.
I believe the terrain between being married and being single isn’t for the faint of heart. So find someone who can tether you to becoming what you want… your fantasy. Invest in the time, the resources, the experience, and the personal growth. You’ll get everything you want and more.
Laura Bonarrigo ACC, CDC Certified Divorce Coach®