Heartache: all too common...
Yet so individual and personal
There are all sorts of reasons why people leave relationships and though breakdowns are incredibly common... seriously, we see them every day! They're also deeply personal. That’s the painful part of divorcing. That’s what makes it feel so utterly alone. Well that, and simply not grasping what endings are all about. What it takes to move on, how to move on, knowing what to do to manage the stress, the fear, the loneliness, anger, grief... need I go on?
I know a lot of people who got divorced and none of them would ever say they didn't try everything they could to improve their marriages… especially those with children... but they also had no idea of what they were getting into or what divorcing really meant.
Hello my old friend...
My first divorce occurred when I was 7. (Yep, parents - it's your child's first divorce.) I figured out the effect of my parents’ break up when I finally sought support after my first marriage and divorce at 23...
I had became a wife right out of college, and the decision to end that first marriage was difficult because I was raised with religious ideals around vows. But ultimately, I felt life was / is too long to be miserable. (NEWS FLASH: my deeply personal stuff - the feeling of being alone in partnership - eats at me on the inside.) Two decades later, after 15 years of marriage to my second husband and the father of my children, the stakes were higher and the decision - much harder. (Hadn't I solved this?!) I ultimately knew the best thing for my family was for this second marriage to dissolve. And to get to work figuring out this thing called Divorce, Separation, Breaking Up, Ending a Marriage... get down and dirty, deep and personal, educate, experiment and begin to figure a way out of it.
3 major heartaches have forced me to learn the hard lessons of forgiveness, understanding & patience. Toward my parents and their relationship, and their relationships to me and my brothers and sisters. Toward the men I loved and married. Toward the father of my children. Toward the person I was when I didn't know any better.
So where are you? Does any of this ring true? Sure, you have your own circumstances and injustices, I get it. But do you know where you're going and how to get there?
It’s bad enough that we carry a great big Scarlet D on our chests, feeling everyone’s judgment and opinions. It’s worse when those around us, in trying to be helpful, simply pile on the pressure and insecurity because they don't know any better. They haven't been in your shoes and they don't know how to help.
I’m shamelessly open about my own personal experiences to let you know that it’s OK to be vulnerable, to admit feeling like crap and to not know what direction the future has for you and your family.
However, there is a way out. There is a path. You can and will get through this and you will become stronger. When you're ready.
Are you ready yet?